Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
