I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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