your parents love me but you hate me
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
