It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
