What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
