If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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