I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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