It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
