the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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