i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
