apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
