Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
