Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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