ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
