went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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