No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
