im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We got so high we made milksteak
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
