woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i think im in europe. pls send help
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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