Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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