Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
