wrigley field is MILF paradise
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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