i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
