Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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