Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
