Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
