my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize