I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
