Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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