Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
