I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
