hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize