there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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