Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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