I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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