Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
