I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
operation have a gay friend backfired
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
