If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
