I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
