my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
