I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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