I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
