just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Randomize
