fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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