She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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