Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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