Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
