Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The struggles of a small town man whore
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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