Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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