The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
