Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
