someone threw a dead crab at me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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