I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
