all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
