guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
