So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
