why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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