Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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