dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
